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The 7 Stages of an Irish Lockdown

  • 5 min read
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The 5km Stage

Run 5, Nominate 5, Donate 5 and then lie about how long it took you. Ah! Social media at it’s finest, everyone’s stuck at home with nothing to do so how can I prove I’m more productive than your man down the road. I know… I’ll hop on the Run 5, Nominate 5 trend. It all started out so well, raising money for charitable causes and getting a bit of satisfaction knowing that you can still run. But then it just got weirdly competitive, as expected. People just can’t help themselves.

Suddenly it was a competition, who’s better than who and more importantly who did it the quickest. We all heard about the girl who edited her time to 8 minutes. Yes, you read that right, 8 minutes. Quicker than the world record holder, Ash in Waterford has done it, she’s blatantly stolen the world record title from a professional athlete, all it took was an Irish lockdown to happen and a desire for attention and she did it. Never give up on your dreams, folks.

Ah! We’re only messing, poor girl didn’t realise her 5km attempt would go viral, but that’s what you get for lying, whoops.

The Awful Greedy Stage

Yes, we all remember it – Suddenly soap had gone from being under a euro to almost a tenner overnight. Toilet paper? Forget about it, shelves are empty mate. There was a certain minority of people who just let the greed get the better of them and bought everything in sight, and yes we loved to hate those awful people and give out about them on social media. We all saw the images of granny’s standing in empty aisles with nothing left, bless them. That was bad form in fairness.

Even basics like bread and milk were tough to come by. We never thought we’d see it, but it was worse than the Brennan’s bread shortage of 2018, much simpler times before the world was plagued with Corona.

The ‘King Leo’ Stage

We reckon it’s safe to say, we all experienced this one. No one had a clue what’s going on, rumours were rampant and it felt like doomsday was swiftly approaching and none of us even saw it coming. Job losses, business closures, no more pubs, nights out and everything in-between, we were a nation lost and confused. But wait, a light at the end of the tunnel, Leo Varadkar has said he will appear on RTE for a ‘special announcement’. A quick dash to the shop to pick up a crate of cans, ok Leo, tell us the bad news.

Huddled around the family TV, apprehensive and downright terrified about what’s ahead, Leo took to our screens to tell us that the rumours are true, and lockdown is in effect from midnight. As he nattered on about the bad news, god forbid you said a word in case you missed a minor detail ‘Will ya whist!’ as if Sky Plus hadn’t been invented. Dead silence as we all watched on to what would be the biggest change in our lifetime.

Necessary journeys only and you must stay within your 5km radius. You look from left to right and suddenly realise, oh god no - I’m stuck with these people for the next 14 weeks. Soon enough we would realise, it wasn’t as bad as we thought, and our families are pretty sound (most of the time)

The Best Weather Ever Stage

This is the stage none of us could have predicted. Just when all hope was lost and it felt like our lives were essentially over, we were noticing a trend of consistent great weather. There wasn’t a dad in the country wearing a t-shirt and every lawn was trimmed to perfection, simply because there was absolutely nothing else to be at.

Not a cloud in the sky and cans were being cracked open before dinnertime and at this stage, we can’t even remember what rain feels like. There was hope that maybe lockdown isn’t going to be as bad as we had once thought.

‘Thank God for the good weather, can you imagine if it had have rained that whole time? It would have been a different story then!’ – Yes, we have all heard this at least ten times, Dad.

Botch Hair Cuts Stage

Ok so we’re 2 weeks into lockdown and it’s not looking like we’re going to be seeing a hairdresser or barber for the next while. Time to dig out the old clippers and sort the job out, DIY style. Suddenly buzz cuts were all the rage and girlfriends were (badly) attempting skin-fades. Irish girls were suddenly experts when it came to box-dye, ignoring all hairdressers forewarnings ‘Do not box dye your hair, you will regret it’, but they did it anyway, and the results were shocking.

The Pub at Home Stage

We can all agree that yes, Irish people do love to drink. Cans, bottles, Irish Whiskey – whatever the hell we can get our hands on really. The first few weeks of lockdown were grand, and by grand we mean we were drinking excessively but having great craic with the family for the first time in years – Hon the sesh! But something was missing… Cans are nice but they just don’t taste the same in a glass, do they? Nothing beats the crispy freshness of a pint. Once Irish people realised they could get their own keg supply at home easily enough, we were all on the next lockdown level.

‘Who needs the pub anymore? Sure this is better craic!’ and ‘How the feck is the keg empty already? We only got it yesterday’ were just some of the quotes we definitely all heard at some point.

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The Last Stage

The numbers of cases each day are slowly falling and it’s looking like lockdown isn’t going to last as long as we had once thought. It felt like a weight had been lifted off the entire nation. After spending 14 weeks in lockdown our efforts were finally showing. We thought we’d be in the pubs before the summer is out. But King Leo is gone, and Mr. Burns is now in charge. Pubs will remain shut until mid-August and we couldn’t be more devastated. A ‘substantial’ meal and 105 minutes at a table just doesn’t cut it anymore. Can we fast forward to August already? The kegs are awful expensive and we’re ready to be back in the local pub at this stage.

So there you have it, that’s Irishify’s 7 phases of the Irish lockdown. Here’s hoping it’s the one and only lockdown but we can’t help but wonder if we have another lockdown – What kind of mad sh*t will we be up to by then?

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